박권율

Thanks!

2007-02-27T11:30:00.000+07:00

I thought I'd take the time (finally, I know) to thank all of you who have read this blog. Yes, I know it's been a long time since my last post.

The journey through Asia was incredible.

Writing about the experience was like nothing else for me - I had to deal with emotions, experiences, and thoughts that I had repressed for years. It made me come to terms with myself like I've never done and it forced me to take an honest look at who I had become as a result of my past. What did I make a priority in my life?

So many people I have met on this journey of rediscovery touched my life. Thanks for taking the time to share this with me whether it was reading about it online or if we happened to cross paths somewhere on the globe.

* Unfortunately, at this time no other information is available on my birth family. There is another large conference in Seoul this year. However, I'm not sure if I will go or not. http://ikaa.org

I'm supposed to be working on a book. It's slow going - most of what I needed to get out has escaped through this blog.

Much love to all of you!

Thoughts and then some thoughts

2006-10-02T23:40:00.000+07:00

It has been some time since I last wrote anything. What can you do when you are not sure what to do?

I mean you find out someone (my birth father) you never knew died? What does it mean to you, to me?

I can only think about my family that raised me and the love that was there. Nothing can mean more than that. It is because of that love, that I will believe in the goodness and love in everyone, even if it is not always easy to see or feel.

I have decided that no matter how difficult life is - I choose not to become too cynical; I choose not to become bitter; I choose not to quit believing in LOVE.

These lessons I have learned from the beautiful people who I have crossed paths with along the way.

And because of these people, I will not quit.

No News and then some News

2006-09-18T17:46:00.000+07:00

So it's been a week since my last post - This is mostly due to the travel and the weariness it imparts in one's body and mind. Whew!!! Oh yeah, the lack of Internet at the hotel where we are in Thailand doesn't help either. But it is beautiful, but hey this is for the other blog...

So, I did find out that the person who may be my biological father passed away in 1986. The circumstances are unknown at this time. What information has been explained to me is that he was married twice and he did live in the area that was described as a place for my birth father's address. So Hoya at GOA'L has some information on his relatives and plans to contact them and let me know. She did explain to me that she spoke to his first wife and she had said that I was not her son.

Who really knows? I know that I do not, but I did do a DNA test when I was in Seoul so if someone does end up claiming that I am their son, it can be verified.

At this point all I can really do is hope to hear something from GOA'L. So for now, I will continue to live my life just as before one day at a time...

Pusan No More

2006-09-11T19:51:00.000+07:00

The volunteer who was scheduled to help us today unfortunately had her uncle pass away this weekend. So needless to say we did not have one available to help us in Pusan.

So Della and I have decided to go ahead and make our way back to Seoul. No, this isn't about giving up, but rather understanding that life unfolds the way that it will.

If someone happens to recognizes my face from my baby picture or from my name (if it is even my given birth name) from KBS and they decide to call then well we'll deal with it then. Until then, well...

Home Town, Pusan

2006-09-10T15:20:00.000+07:00

It's been a while since I've last blogged due to difficulties finding an Internet connection for my laptop in Pusan. So I've decided to go ahead and make a couple of entries without the fun pictures (all the pics are on my laptop)...

Tomorrow I am meeting a volunteer from GOA'L to help me do some research on my birth family. Since I was born in Pusan it makes sense to see if we can find some records here.

Quote from the Intitial Social History papers: 5/1/1975: He was found by a passenger, Mr. Park Yong Hee who is residing at #4-5, Chungmu Dong, Choong Ku, Pusan City and was entrusted to the Pusan Branch of our agency.5/20/1975: He was transferred to Seoul and is now under the care of a foster home.

Things are still very confusing - apparently the person's name on my social history papers is a female name. However, Hoya of GOA'L who has spoken to my social worker at ESWS (adoption agency) assures me that it is my father. The Korean version of the information does not say the person is female or male from the social history papers. I have no idea at this point... what's new???

So far I haven't heard anything from KBS since doing the TV show. I am not supprised. Thoughts pass through my mind as I walk down crowded streets that anyone one of these people could be related to me. Kind of a wierd, but if you believe that we are all related - via Christian beliefs, Adam and Eve or via Buddhist/Oneness concepts, we are not just the physical forms, mind, and emotions but all the same or even if we look at raw science, we consist of approximately 7*1027 atoms (if we weigh about 70kg; i weigh more so...). That is, 7 followed by 27 zeros: 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. What does this mean? We contain atoms from every person who has ever existed on the earth! Is this reincarnation???

I asked the Buddhist monk from the temple we stayed at in Daejeon what he learned studying Cosmology in Pennsylvania. His reply was that man doesn't really know anything. (Cosmology by the way is not the study of how to cut hair and do manicures, but rather the scientific study of the large scale properties of the Universe as a whole.)

What do we really know?

Outside In . . . And Back Again: Relinquishment and Resilience: Uncovering the Past

2006-09-06T07:11:00.000+07:00

Sometimes when you can't get the tangled mess of thoughts out of your head in a way that makes sense, someone comes along and does it for you and often times much better than you can. So I take this opportunity to introduce you to an insightful young lady with much more blog talent than me who shares a story that I believe is definately worth "hearing". It is both personal and informative.

Thanks Sarah, for sharing yourself. btw, i hope it was okay to link to your blog ;)

Next stop - Jakwangsa Temple

2006-09-03T12:16:00.000+07:00

Jakwangsa Temple (<-- info below taken from this link)

Founded in July 1969 by the late Master Tanheo for the global propagation and teaching of Buddhism, as well as for the fostering of internationally-oriented Buddhists, Jakwangsa ("Temple of Compassionate Light") is run by the Tanheo Buddhist Cultural Foundation, established in 1984. The International Meditation Center was opened in the spring of 2004 and it is working towards playing a major role as a site for international Buddhism. As part of these efforts, the temple holds a series of lectures by foreign monks in addition to numerous other special as well as regular training programs.

Achim Madang!!!

2006-08-30T10:49:00.000+07:00

From an earlier post: "Achim Madang (Morning Forum)", is one of the oldest and most popular local morning talk shows. It airs a segment called "Missing Persons Search" every Wednesday on KBS.

So I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about what I would say if I meet my birth family...

(This is me when I was still in Korea. My father sent it to me today. Thanks, Dad!)

I probably got an hour of sleep and I actually felt okay when I got up at 5:15 AM; my mind was sharp, but my body ached especially my back. During the show I felt confident about what I needed to say. I wasn't very nervous. I had practiced out loud over and over the night before making sure to pronounce each of the Korean words as correctly as I could. I had it all memorized like a nursery rhyme.

Sometimes, no matter how well you plan and prepare for things, life just happens. That's the experience I had today. The show although 99% is done in Korean was one of the most emotional experiences for me. As a logical minded person, I attempted to treat it as a business meeting or another lecture, but it ended to be more like a cross between my first date and my first breakup. I fumbled for the words to say and lacked every ounce of poise I needed to say them...

The funny thing is that I am NOT embarrassed now, although I think maybe I should be. I feel as though I was REAL. Even though I had the super cheasy image of an over dramatic talk show in my head ,the other guests on the show and the audience pulled me into their world of turmoil, shock, love, despair, and loneliness. Even without understanding the language they were speaking - the EXPERIENCE was universal. I couldn't help but be a part of the moment. I just let myself go and stood there staring at the camera and audience like I was completely lost. For a while there I think I truly was...

And then I came back and it was as though somebody else had just been in my body.

The most important experience for me today came well after the show was over. Terry explained to me that he had the opportunity to speak to the young man sitting next to him. The guy explained that he got lost playing outside when he was 8 or 9 years old and he never saw his parents again.

He WAS an orphan and STAYED an orphan. He never was adopted and told Terry -

How wonderful it was that Terry was adopted.

How wonderful it was that he was able to have an education.

How wonderful it was to have gone to America.

How wonderful it was for him to have parents to take care of him and love him.

The young man ran away from the orphanage because of how awful it was. He never got an education above grammar school and was an illegal alien in Japan making handbags for a while.

The young man's demeanor said it all. I never spoke to him, but his body language was all I needed to understand... He was just trying to survive.

Choices

2006-08-26T22:27:00.000+07:00

Sometimes when you don't make a decision that is a choice. For me that's how I ended up in this precarious position I'm in now. And that's when I look to the wisdumb of others and bounce that around in my noggin a few days.

Why I should not go on the KBS show?
1. It makes me look like a fricking jerk.
2. I think Jerry Springer already booked me the same day.
3. TV is the work of the devil.
4. Every boobtube-watching-couch-potato in Korea will recognize me the next day.

Instead I will listen to others who have explained to me that by going on this show (being exploited :) ) that I will do all I can to let my birth family know that I am OK or alive. Since I'm in a position of greater resources and more than likely better education, it is being very unselfish to try and reach them. Additionally, after speaking to one of the first batch of Korean Adoptees (circa 1957), he explained to me that they may also have much regret (since in many instances those mothers were told/forced to give their children up or in other cases they were sold by relatives or orphanages). So in many ways, I feel it is my responsibility to do what I can.

This show could be the key that unlocks the door to my past. I'm not sure if I can handle what happens next - whatever that is.

And I feel that's the true reason I wasn't sure I wanted to go on the show - what if I find something out?

Today

2006-08-23T14:45:00.000+07:00

I have a choice now of getting out of Seoul and traveling to the rest of Korea or waiting to be on the KBS show next Wednesday.

Part of me says, "You have come all this way, shouldn't you do everything you can to find your birth family. The other part says, "You have accepted your life, Tharon. Do not dwell on the past. Live in the now."

I have expressed myself on this blog and now I have decided to live in the now. I have not forgotten my past, but I will no longer let it define me. The words are just that - words. They helped me let go. They have no persistance and neither do I.

Some of us believe that we make no choices; that life happens just as it does. And God is in control and we don't do anything.

I do not know what is the truth. Maybe it is all of the above and none of it at the same time.

...

I know it is time for me to move on; the Koroot house is too comfortable.

Alltel HELL!!!

2006-08-21T23:22:00.000+07:00

So it's 1:07 AM (13 hour time difference in the states) and I've just spent the last hour on the phone with Alltel trying to get our cell phones disconnected. Since the call is overseas, there is an echo on the Alltel side and people keep telling me I have them on speaker phone. So after the 6th transfer, I finally get some guy to believe I am who I say I am and the reason Della's name is on the account as the account holder is so the caller-id will show her name on instead of mine when I gave her my phone to use over a year ago. Wow, what an ordeal. Apparrently they had my account flagged as suspicious because they kept telling me that the account holder would have to call in and I kept telling them I WAS the damn account holder. So I call back in and tell them my name is Della... blah blah blah.

I am tired because I went to bed when the sun started coming up and I was awoken this morning by a volunteer pounding on my door telling me the news lady was here to interview me for the show.

I fumble around for my shower things and head for the shower room. The volunteer knocks on the door and tells me I have 5 minutes. Great, I say to myself. How did I forget about the interview. I walk slowly down the stairs and see that the news people are sitting waiting on me.

Nam-Koo, Oh, the newslady who did the pre-interview before looks at me a little strangely, like I had an enormous booger hanging out of my nose. She chats with the cameraman and a volunteer and the volunteer turns to me and says, "She wants to know if you want them to come back later to do the interview." I ask her why and she says that you don't look like you're felling very well. I chuckle and say I'm fine. Let's get this over with.

The subjects of the interview are Koroot, how I feel about Koroot, how I feel about Korea, and little about me and my search for my birth family.

About an hour or so later, it's finally over with. I am relieved and I'm kind of wondering now, what our something we get is for being on the show (only joking). We didn't get jack...

So I'm tired but I can't sleep right now, partly because I have so much to say and partly because I have been inspired by so many people who have sent me emails and comments explaining how this trip has impacted or changed their lives in some way. I am overwhelmed by the kindness and openess that others have shown. Maybe by me being brutally honest with myself and others and sharing my experiences, this will allow others open their minds and explore themselves.

Don't we have to quit pretending at some point? I believe each of us has glimpses of our true selves, but we decide for one reason or another that it is more important or easier to live in illusions painted by the societies we live in.

This picture was taken in Gyeongju. Check the main travel blog for more info. I just like the picture.

Family who chose me and whom I chose

2006-08-19T23:06:00.000+07:00

Dad, David (Brother-In-Law), Mom, Samamantha (Niece), Ryan (Nephew), Della in our tatami style dining room.

Not a day goes by that I don't think that I am the most fortunate person on the face of the planet. Back in the states, I have a wonderful family who chose me:

Robert - deacon in the Catholic church; dedicated to serving God; loving husband; hardest worker I know; my FATHER!

Patricia - born in England; oncology nurse for as long as I can remember; most loving woman on the face of th earth; my MOM!

Melanie - loving second mother who helped raised me; loving mother of 2 beautiful daughters; my older sister!

Michelle - loving third mother who helped raised me; Navy Lt. Commander who recently got back from Afghanistan; loving mother of wonderful son and daughter; my older sister!

Like I said, these wonderful people chose me out of many other orphans. What are the chances? So much of who I am today; the person I hope I am and hope to be are because of the sacrifices and most of all LOVE that they gave me. Which brings up a story - I'm glad they decided to not give me something that they were considering and that's the name - Jacquemo. Wow, I could kill my sister, Michelle for wanting to name me that! Sorry, no offenses to the Jacques out there, but a Korean adoptee in the USA with the name "Jock" - well, my life could have been worse.

Not a day goes by that I don't think that I am the most fortunate person on the face of the planet. Back in the states, I have a wonderful family whom I chose:

(need a shower and some sleep...)

ok, shower and a few winks later...

Wow, what can I say? - I have so many friends (really family) and since I consider family anyone I love and loves me, my family is quite large. A blood related family is something I have never known and I'm happy that I am able to define what a family is for myself.

The hardest part about this rebirth, is missing my family (see definition above). I have my wife with me and that is awesome - how many would allow their husbands to quit his job (and quit hers) to travel to foreign country?

So to the family that raised me and to the family whom I chose (and I guess they chose me also), I raise my glass -

"I love and miss you all! Thank you for being a part of my life and understanding why I must be away from you!"

More banter about me

2006-08-18T15:48:00.000+07:00

So, I end up graduating 3rd in my class in highschool. Not bad for a guy who drinks too much and doesn't study enough. I end up going to FSU on scholarship for a degree in pre-med. It doesn't take long for me to find out that there are more girls and parties at FSU than stars in the sky and before I know it I am back in Pensacola going to the University of West Florida. I have changed to cellular and molecular biology and hope to go into genetics. The only problem is that this guy has a gravity bong called "Ross Perot" and I make regular visits to debate with "Ross". I grew my hair long and followed around PHISH and delivered pizzas as I try to make it to my classes for at least the exams.

I meet a young lady in one of my classes; she is georgeous and so I make friends with her. She explains she has a job at a local software company and I ask her repeatedly to get me an interview and of course to go out and "study". She ends up finally getting me an appointment and after the first interview I am able to convince the president of the company that I will stay on after I graduate and not move to Atlanta, New York, Silicon Valley or other place with more opportunity. He hires me as a part time employee as I finish school. The young lady takes off after graduating.

So I take about 6 years to graduate college after finishing highschool as a sophomore in college (think Tommy Boy - Chris Farley, I miss you). Wow and I changed my major finally to Computer Science because I thought Medical School would take too much time. I wish I had studied in college and learned something, but I always did the least I could do to get by even in highschool.

Work is different. I love the challenge and the difficulty in balancing biz relationships, workload, and employees. I quickly excel at this new game called work and I find myself as a Vice President in under 5 years.

However, one day I wake up and it's like my whole life has been a dream. Nothing seems real and I feel like I'm going through the motions of life. Pensacola is a small enough town that everyone knows your business. I get tired of hearing about how Jane is driving a new Lexus and Dick got a million dollar yacht and Jack's son is dating the daughter of... who gives a flying FU*K.

I realize it is time for a change. My wife of 5 years, Della, and I decide to quit our jobs and travel for a while and here we are...

I decide I should start my travels at the place where I was born and know nothing about.

Answers???

2006-08-18T14:45:00.000+07:00

cont'd from the yesterday - but...

What happens as the child grows up and finds that s/he doesn't quite "belong"?

I found myself praying to God to make me white - to make me feel like I was "normal".

Not the "special" child; not the "gifted" child; not the adopted child.

Yes, I was in denial.

Wow such resentment for being saved from death (I was very sick when I was adopted)? Such bitterness for not having to grow up in an orphanage! Such anger for having an opportunity to go to great schools, to have nice things, to have an American dream. Quit whining, right? My friends say to me, "oh you're lucky, you had anything you wanted growing up!" Partially true; we weren't rich, but we weren't poor either. Of course I didn't have a family that looked like me...

So I grew up not knowing other adoptees, not recognizing what being an adoptee meant, and not acknowledging other Asians. I was trying my best to be white. I didn't eat Asian food. I didn't associate with ANY Asians. I wanted to stay clear of anything that wasn't white. It got to the point where I didn't want to look in the mirror or see a picture of myself.

The problem with this is that EVERYONE is a mirror. People look at me and I can see that I am not the "same" as everyone else. The only way to escape would be to live alone where no one else was - an impossibility, at least in the physical sense.

So I look back today and I've just about blanked out my whole childhood. It's funny how the brain can hide things from itself. Things that were my reality, but now I just can't seem to Google in my mind. I guess it's just easier that way.

So middle school comes and goes and now it's time for highschool. Wow, talk about tough. Somehow, I was able through my other friends to find my way into the popular crowd. Of course, it was all an act and I was a major asshole in highschool and I really don't know how I had any friends at all. It was my defense mechanism. I was trying my best to keep people out of my head and my heart.

I guess this is when depression or something of the sort hit in. The way the brain and body react to emotional trauma is amazing. So I see a shrink and he prescribes me some Prozac or something like that. It's much easier to shove pills down someone's throat than to actually figure out why someone's so FUC*ED up. What I learned is that being on some drug actually made life easier to deal with and me a generally nicer guy. Didn't seem so bad - so far so good.

The problem is that your body and brain get used to these drugs, so when you try to quit it's like getting off of crack or quitting smoking. You're body goes through withdrawals and your mind gets more screwed up than you were before you took the damn things.

So at some point in my life when I'm still on the happy pills, I decide it's really not working out and I should just leave it behind. So I OD on some pills and wake up in the hospital with a tubes in me and I realize I failed again - but this time I guess it was good that I did.

So why in the hell would I write and share about how screwed up I am? Because it's the truth. I believe we as humans, as people, have only that - our word. Everything else is meaningless!!! Also, if someone out there reads this and says to themselves, "wow that guy is really FUC*ED up, even more than me. I guess I'm not so bad after all." Then hell, I think you get the point.

I mean if I can share myself with you and you can begin to understand me than that is what life is about. Isn't it?

The Million Dollar Question - Who am I?

2006-08-17T15:38:00.000+07:00

I was once Park, Kwon Youl. I am now LeBlanc, Tharon Paul or am I? I am both these people.

I am learning through this whole experience called life, that I am me. The question is, "Who is me?" Not grammatically correct, but I think you get the point?

I believe that we constantly redefine ourselves by reviewing our identications. Hey, this really sounds like discrimination if you ask me!!! But by being discriminating, this is how we process information isn't it? As children we learn by doing this...

We SEE black hair; we SEE brown skin; we SEE squinty eyes - I must be Asian; I must be Korean. Hmm, slight problem - I can't speak Korean. So much for that.

We hear Southern English; we SEE American Clothing; we SEE an American driver's license; I must be an American. Hmm, slight problem - I'm not white. So much for that.

Then what or who the hell am I? Well let's start in childhood and maybe I can shed some light on this -

I grew up since second grade in Pensacola, Florida - not so quick facts:
Population (year 2000): 56,255
Males: 26,416 (47.0%), Females: 29,839 (53.0%)
Elevation: 32 feet

County: Escambia

Land area: 22.7 square miles

Zip codes: 32501..32509, 32511..32514, 32520..32524, 32573..32576, 32589..32598, 32526, 32534, 32559, 32581, 32582, 32516.

Median resident age: 39.4 years
Median household income: $34,779 (year 2000)
Median house value: $93,400 (year 2000)

New: Pensacola, FL residents, houses, and apartments details

Races in Pensacola:

White Non-Hispanic (63.7%)
Black (30.6%)
Hispanic (2.1%)
Two or more races (1.6%)
American Indian (1.1%)
Vietnamese (0.6%)
Other race (0.5%)
(Total can be greater than 100% because Hispanics could be counted in other races)

Ancestries: English (11.0%), German (10.5%), Irish (10.0%), United States (7.7%), French (3.2%), Italian (3.1%).

For population 25 years and over in Pensacola, Florida
High school or higher: 84.6%
Bachelor's degree or higher: 32.4%
Graduate or professional degree: 11.7%
Unemployed: 6.6%
Mean travel time to work: 20.7 minutes
For population 15 years and over in Pensacola city
Never married: 29.6%
Now married: 44.9%
Separated: 3.1%
Widowed: 8.7%
Divorced: 13.6%
3.7% Foreign born (1.5% Asia, 1.0% Europe, 0.7% Latin America).

Nearest city with pop. 200,000+: Montgomery, AL (147.7 miles, pop. 201,568).

Nearest city with pop. 1,000,000+: Houston, TX (563.5 miles, pop. 1,953,631).

Nearest cities: Goulding, FL (1.5 miles), Brent, FL (3.6 miles), West Pensacola, FL (3.6 miles), Ferry Pass, FL (5.2 miles), Gulf Breeze, FL (5.7 miles), Bellview, FL (6.5 miles), Myrtle Grove, FL (6.5 miles), Warrington, FL (6.6 miles).

Single-family new house construction building permits:
1996: 139 buildings, average cost: $101,500
1997: 99 buildings, average cost: $115,600
1998: 84 buildings, average cost: $136,100
1999: 102 buildings, average cost: $119,400
2000: 69 buildings, average cost: $156,100
2001: 77 buildings, average cost: $130,100
2002: 116 buildings, average cost: $162,300
2003: 116 buildings, average cost: $165,800

Area code: 850

New: Pensacola, Florida business data: stores, dealers, real estate agents, wholesalers, restaurants...

Industries providing employment: Educational, health and social services (25.3%), Retail trade (12.6%), Arts, entertainment, recreation, accommodation and food services (11.3%).

Crime in Pensacola (2002):
1 murder (1.7 per 100,000)
36 rapes (61.2 per 100,000)
101 robberies (171.7 per 100,000)
322 assaults (547.4 per 100,000)
622 burglaries (1057.3 per 100,000)
1,912 larceny counts (3250.2 per 100,000)
127 auto thefts (215.9 per 100,000)
City-data.com crime index = 427.1 (higher means more crime, US average = 330.6)

Crime in Pensacola (2001):
3 murders (5.2 per 100,000)
41 rapes (71.0 per 100,000)
93 robberies (161.1 per 100,000)
382 assaults (661.9 per 100,000)
676 burglaries (1171.3 per 100,000)
1,625 larceny counts (2815.7 per 100,000)
112 auto thefts (194.1 per 100,000)
City-data.com crime index = 435.5 (higher means more crime)

So now that we've gotten that out the way, Pensacola is basically a cross between a Navy, retirement, and hick city. It has beautiful beaches, but lacks culture. It is lower Alabama. This description may be seen as negative, but it is really a poor way of clasifying the way I see Pensacola.

As a kid in middle school, I was of course a minority. Obviously, as I grew up I knew that the way I looked was different from my family's. My father being from America, my Mom from Britain, and both sisters being caucasion.

I was made fun of on a daily basis and I recall that my sisters were also, for having a "chink" as a brother. Both my sisters are older than me, the eldest by 10 years and the younger by 9. They were my second mothers and were awesome.

But back to me. What does it do to a child growing up to be ridiculed by others on a daily basis and beat up on a daily basis for being different? What does any type of psychological and mental abuse do to anyone over any extended period of time?

Let's try it another way - what would your face look like if several people punched you everyday for several years? I believe my mind is that face.

Yes, time heals wounds, but some scars last a lifetime.

NO, I am not saying this so you will feel sorry for me!!! Part of understanding who I am, is explaining to others where I have come from; where I have been; how I feel.

Hei Sook Park Wilkinson, Ph.D. wrote a book called, "Birth is More Than Once, The Inner World of Adopted Korean Children." She explains that there are five general stages adopted children from Korea go through:
1. Denial
2. Inner awakening
3. Acknowledgment
4. Identification
5. Acceptance

These don't sound too different from any other "programs". The point being for me is that there are processes to any type of evolution or maturation.

What I am hoping to do is make more people aware of the complexities of International adoption as it relates to all parties involved from Adoptee to Adopter to Relinquisher to Corporate Entity. The narrow viewpoint I had was that it was great for some poor child who didn't have parents and didn't have to grow up in some orphanage. Yes, this is very true, but...

Air Born

2006-08-17T14:37:00.000+07:00

Yesterday I learned that I have been scheduled to be on the air on "Achim Madand" KBS TV on August 30th.

This afternoon, I have since learned that my new friend, Terry, is leaving on on August 30th, so I might switch spots with him so he can be on the show before he has to head back to the states. Terry has been so friendly and speaks fluent Korean as he studied the language for several years. He's been very helpful as you name it - interpreter, guide, and Noraebong buddy.

One of the volunteers here explains to me that a television reporter from Qrix will be at Koroot today to do pre-interviews for a show that will air on local TV sometime in September.

Nam-Koo, Oh is the young lady's name and she interviews Terry first and then me. Apparently, Terry and I are the lucky ones who will provide some insight into Koroot and the Adoptees who visit this wonderful place. The show will be shot on Monday morning and Nam-Koo asks us questions that will help her decide what the live footage will contain.

fter the interview is over, I jokingly ask her how much money we will be paid for being TV stars. After a few laughs and chit chatting with Nam-Koo, Terry explains that we will be getting something. I joke with the volunteers and ask, "Is it a Korean Flag?" We all laugh and Nam-Koo thanks us and I bow slightly and say, "Kamsa Hamnida (Thank you)."

Humpday

2006-08-16T09:54:00.000+07:00

Yesterday was Korean Independence Day - August 15, 1945 marks the 55th anniversary of the liberation of Korea from thirty-five years of Japanese colonial rule. So most things were not open Monday or yesterday.

Today is Wednesday and I will make the trek back to the GOA'L office to find out if I will have an appointment at KBS Television. I am a little nervous, but confident that I should be able to appear on the "Achim Madand" sometime. Whether that date will be when I will be in Korea is the question now.

"Achim Madang (Morning Forum)", is one of the oldest and most popular local morning talk shows. It airs a segment called "Missing Persons Search" every Wednesday. Unfortunately, the wait for new cases to be aired can be several months. The show is aired live in front of a studio audience and normally only 2 Adoptee guests are shown per one hour segment. I hear that on August 23rd they are having some type of special. Maybe that will be the special day - one day before my 33rd birthday or 34th Korean birthday (you are considered to be one year old when you are born in Korea).

Wish me luck...

Lights, Camera, Action

2006-08-14T16:34:00.000+07:00

We decide to escort Maria who is interested in being on the TV show since she does not know where to go and would like someone to accompany her to KBS. Della and I are happy to go with her and Danjiel from Holland has the same appointment slot as I do. We make our way by taxi and end up in front of a large corporate building 5 stories high or so. It is very nice and has security everywhere.

We meet a young lady who explains to a group of us what we are to do - the interpreter explains that we will have 20 seconds to tell our story and we should not look away from the camera, like down at a piece of paper. I explain to the interpreter that I do not have my file as I was not prepared to go on TV. She explains to the young lady and she says that she will get the information emailed to her.

Unfortunately, she says we do not have enough time so the interpreter calls Hoya at the GOA'L office and translates the information on my sheet, so I know what to say during my 20 seconds. She explains that my birth name is Park, Kwon-Youl and I was born on August 24th, 1973 in Pusan, Korea. My father Park, Yong Hee took me alone to the Dong-bang Social Welfare Center on May 20th, 1975. My family's permanent is Junbok Imsilgun - which is an area and not a specific address. I have no information on my birth mother.

So I try to memorize all the information in the 5-10 minutes before I step in front of the camera since the assistant tells me I can not look away from the lens.

Here I go; at first I am not nervous, but then as I try to remember all the information I am supposed to say, I realize that I've felt more comfortable speaking in front of 200 people than the cold impersonal camera - there's no feedback.

After everyone is done with their 20 seconds in the spot light, we make our way back inside the building to have our translation interviews with the director and other assistants. We have to wait for the other people to finish with the director and it takes about 2 to 3 hours before we are up to bat. I find out that this is when the director starts to make his decision on who will or will not make the cut to be aired. I will not find out till later this week when or if I will be shown on TV.

Roller Coaster

2006-08-14T16:02:00.000+07:00

It's Wednesday afternoon and Della and I make our way back to the GOA'L office to speak with Hoya. She says she has been able to get some information from ESWS that I haven't been able to - that is my father's name and permanent address for my family (which relates to an area, like a town, not a specific physical address). She says that I could go on a TV show at KBS that helps Adoptees find their families. The thought hits me that it's a last ditch effort with little chance of helping. I find out later that this is quite an effective way, but it means that a pre-interview with the director is needed to help screen out adoptees who don't have enough information.

Hoya explains to me that I should be at KBS @ 10 AM on Friday. An interpreter will be there for translation. I have not decided whether I will go or not. I am sceptical at this - sounds like a Korean version of Oprah to me.

Recalling the Rough Monday

2006-08-09T17:05:00.000+07:00

I awake @ 6:30 AM after falling in and out of sleep since laying down at 9:30 PM. I spend the morning speaking to another Korean Adoptee whose name is Maria. Maria is from Boston and is also searching for her parents. She is extremely nice and is the first adoptee I speak to about anything in common in Korea.

Della and I make our way to the G.O.A.L. Office with a G.O.A.L. intern who is staying at Koroot. Her name is Sarah and she grew up in Kansas City and went to graduate school at the University of Washington. Sarah is very active in Adoptee organizations and she has been very sweet and helpful.

Global Overseas Adoptees' Link (G.O.A.'L) is a non-profit organization consisting of overseas Korean adoptees (OAKs) and native Koreans working together to locate birth families and experience Korean life and culture.

We caught a bus and 2 subway trains, walked about half a mile and ended up at the building. We walk in and meet Nicole, she is the Vice Secretary General of GOA'L. I had emailed her and she introduced me to Koroot. She has been so helpful and made me feel comfortable making the journey back "home" to Korea. We speak for a while and she introduces us to several of the employees and volunteers for the organization. Another employee for GOA'L is Hoya and she is in charge of adoption services. She helps me set up an appointment the same day to visit with a social worker at ESWS (Eastern Social Welfare Society) with whom I will discuss my file.

Soon it is lunch and we walk next door to a nice BBQ restaraunt and eat a sweet beef soup and other side dishes I can't pronounce or spell or even remember the names. It is very good and I meet several other adoptees and staff members of GOA'L.

After a coffee, Della and I make our way to ESWS local office which is a 15 minute walk. I am nervous and not really sure there will be any more information in my file than what I was provided with in an email from the case worker a month before -

Dear Ms. Nicole

I received his e-mail, I have been looking for information about him, but I could not find it. Because we had flood and fire around 1974, 1976, some of the files were injured at those times. I think the file of Kwon Youl must be missing. But we have his birth father's name. I felt very sorry for him, so I was very reluctant to reply him.

As for volunteer, we have to ask to person who works in Babies' Home when he visits our agency.

I would like them to visit our agency after July 5th if possible.

Thank you for your delivering him this e-mail.

Sincerely,

Kim, Hye Kyong
social worker
post adoption dept.
ESWS

Great, so my Korean case worker feels sorry for me. How about that? Don't I feel better already. Well it might have been nice if she had replied back to my email 6 months before I have to contact Nicole 10 times saying ESWS isn't responding. I soon find out that I have only scratched the tip of the iceberg - but we will wait for later to get into the psycho-analytical-political aspects of overseas adoption in Korea.

So we walk into the ESWS office and meet with Kim, Hye Kyong. She takes us to the back in a private room and she has my file in her hand. Della and I sit across from her and she explains that there is no more information than I already have. Since I have no information other than what my adoption papers contain -

Quote from the Intitial Social History papers:
5/1/1975: He was found by a passenger, Mr. Park Yong Hee who is residing at #4-5, Chungmu Dong, Choong Ku, Pusan City and was entrusted to the Pusan Branch of our agency.
5/20/1975: He was transferred to Seoul and is now under the care of a foster home.

As it turns out the "passenger" is actually my father. That is the normal practice for adoption papers.

With an International adoption, it is possible for the mother and father to look for their children later. For domestic adoption the parents are forced to sign papers saying that they will not search for their child and then the information on the child is sealed or erased. Therefore most children are sent overseas so that their parent(s) have some hope of possibly finding them later.

Also adoption pressure the mothers, who are many times not educated very well, to give up their children and some are even taken away by other family members when they leave the house. The unwed mothers are often convinced that their children will be raised by well-to-do international families and they will never be able to provide that for their children. In addition, patriarchal Korea does not help unwed women with children on a financial or societal level.

So enough, banter lets get back to Kwon Youl - the social worker explains to me that they can not find the original file and there is no more information on my parents. She is embarrassed by not having my original file and I explain that it is okay repeatedly. I feel dissapointed and decided that it was fate and I should accept it as that. The truth is I wasn't sure how to feel - I waited but nothing seemed to be happening. I can only compare it to standing on a finish line of a race that had never started. Della and I both leave the office and thank Miss Kim and nod a small bow.

박권율 (Park Kwon Youl)

2006-05-27T01:49:00.000+07:00

Life is short; we must live it to the fullest.

For me that means making a sacrifice that seems unthinkable to most - give up my job, my house, my car: remove my security blankets and break down walls that I've spent a lifetime building - basically give up my comfortable Western life for a while so that I can grow.

This web log will tell the story of a little boy born - Kwon-Youl Park (박권율) who travels back to Korea 30 years after he came to the USA to learn about his past, his birth family's past, and the culture of his birth country. It will tell of how I became Tharon Paul LeBlanc. It will tell the story of me.

Many friends or acquaintances ask me, "What are you looking for?" Or they say to me, "I hope you find what you're looking for." And I simply tell them two words -

"I will."

The truth is that I am not so much searching for anyone or anything, but I am making a journey to quench my spiritual body and feed my soul.

"Life is indeed a state of mind; we visualize our realities and it is time to make mine so." [TPL 2006]